What Would Your Child Self Think Of Your Life?
A birthday reflection on aging. Plus, 'Beef' and bananas.
Imagine yourself at age five, age sixteen, and now. What did you love about yourself and how did you shine at each age? If you could send a message of self-compassion to yourself then and now, what would you say?
We’re sitting in a circle in a silence, each of us struggling to answer these questions on the page. I can feel the heaviness in the room. The pain of reflection, the longing for what has been lost, measuring the distance from our former selves.
It’s funny—being a child caregiver and losing my mom at 22, I’ve always felt like an adult compared to other people my age. But turning 34 today, I feel more like an adult than ever before, because I feel so far from my inner child.
At five, I was goofy, dramatic, unapologetically selfish, and loved getting dressed up. At sixteen, I was flirty, outgoing, and still loved putting together an outfit. While I was overwhelmed with caregiving for my mom, sixteen was arguably the happiest age of my life—I had strong friendships, community, and healthy channels for self-expression through dance and photography.
The page for my current age is sparse. I glance around the room and notice I’m not the only one—blank pages are met with a mix of teary eyes and sunken expressions. As a recently laid-off, single, childless, 33-year-old in rehab, I don’t feel like I’m shining at much.
I know that little spark of a girl is in there, somewhere, but over the decades, the spark has quietly gone out. A part of it is just growing up—we assume we have to put the frilly princess dress in the closet to not command too much attention, we learn to quiet the large parts of our personalities to make room for others, we want to fit in.
But sometimes we put so much effort into fitting in, we forget who we really are. And then we wonder why we’re not happy, when the muted version of ourselves attracts people, jobs, circumstances that feel disconnected from our values and desires.
Rank how much you value each of the following categories on a scale of one to five: family, marriage/romantic relationships, parenting, friendships, career, spirituality, community, physical health, and leisure.
This is our second prompt and my value categories remain empty except for friendships, community, leisure, and career. Suddenly I see how, in devoting so much of my life to my career, I’ve sacrificed all my other values. Over the past three years I’ve made a concerted effort putting myself out there to make new friends, attending community workshops, and prioritizing leisure over work but I haven’t made much traction. Is it too late?
No, it’s never too late.
“Name three aspects of your body you’re grateful for.” I list the use of both sides of my body, since my mom struggled with having her dominant side paralyzed. Coincidentally that afternoon in an art session, we’re prompted to draw with our wrong hand for an hour. The whole time, my heart tugs with empathy for my mom, but it also swells with gratitude.
Birthdays force a reflection on where we’re at. But age is just a number. That being said, life is short. My mom had her first major brain aneurysm at 40, and the one that killed her at 56. Ever since her death, my life has maintained an air of urgency. I always fear I’m running out of time.
But it’s useful to pause amidst the rush and ground in my present reality. I might not like what I see of my life on paper, but I’m still here. My body and brain works. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. I can be whoever I want to be, so long as I get out of my own way.
What would my five and sixteen-year-old selves think of my life now? They would probably be sad. But they also would be relieved, that I’m still here, I’ve made it this far, and I still have so much life to live.
Best,
Anna
Reading 📖
💉 Our plastic surgery nightmare.
🤳 The influencer extras are tired.
🇮🇳 The cockroach revolution: how India’s students are rewriting the rules of protest.
📸 A celebrity photographer’s hidden stash of photographs.
🎈 A comic about the birthday blues.
Watching 📺
I finally got around to watching the latest season of Beef (Netflix), and I enjoyed it more than the critics. This season follows the entangled drama between two couples: a millennial country club general manager (Oscar Isaac) and his British wife (Carey Mulligan) and the Gen Z staff couple who blackmails them after catching a private physical argument on camera. It doesn’t maintain the high-octane, heart-racing energy of the first season, but I’m here for the dark intrigue.
The show’s greatest critique is that Lee Sung Jin has caught White Lotus Derangement Syndrome, which Guardian writer Lucy Mangan defines as a drama in which “poorer Americans are set alongside richer Americans in a location the latter choose to come to and the former can’t escape.” But as a fan of The White Lotus, I actually like the show’s eat-the-rich vibe and satirical play on wellness via signifiers like red light masks and psychedelic trips.
In his oddly refreshing pessimism, Lee even lands on some questions that push a global conversation forward: If the simplest of minds instinctively understand that we can’t win at love and capitalism, why do we all insist on playing both games anyway? And in the final reckoning, where will those incompatible pursuits lead us? - Judy Berman, TIME.
Listening 🎧
If you’re not already married, do you want to be? Of all the things I’m insecure about not being yet heading into my 34th year, ‘married’ is not one of them. I’m not the only one—in Canada, the number of marriages reached the lowest rate in 2020 since 1938, and the trajectory is the same in the United States. Marriage depictions in pop culture reflect this shift. I loved this discussion on how our growing dissatisfaction with matrimony is being represented on screen—from Beef to The Drama to Adult Braces.
Snacking 🍌
Ever since I was a little girl, when I was called ‘Anna Banana,’ I’ve loved bananas. After my mom died when I was 22, I began treating bananas as an homage to her and our relationship. I travel the world tasting banana dishes and collecting banana items in her memory. I also consider my birthday to be a day to honor my mom, as she is the one who brought me into existence. So naturally, every birthday I have to some kind of banana dessert. The irony is that I rarely bake. But this week, I tried making banana pudding for the first time. The recipe was beyond simple (no baking required). In the future, I think I’ll add more to jazz it up. I’ve been pairing it with Made Good’s banana chocolate chip muffins and it hits the spot.
Turns out I’m not the only one obsessed with bananas, You might have noticed bananas are everywhere lately—from your matcha at Starbucks to the skincare aisle to Anthropologie. I have so much to say on this topic I can’t not do a full write-up. Until then, and in honor of my birthday today, I’ll share the banana items I’ve been bananas for lately.
Lush Banoffee Pie Shower Gel - made with real bananas, a sweet caramel scent balanced with vanilla and tonka.
Sand + Fog Banana Cream Perfume Dropper - a smooth banana scent made tropical with coconut and jasmine, and warm sandalwood for depth.
Farm Rio x Anthropologie Reversible Swimsuit - designed by Brazilian brand Farm Rio, this hot one-piece feels like it has to be worn with Rio de Granado Yes, Nós Temos Banana! Perfume (smells like a Brazilian rainforest contrasting the green freshness of bananas with iris and cedar).
Glow Recipe Banana Moisturizing Cream & Lip Treatment Duo - I love the classic Korean banana milk that serves as the inspiration for this moisturizer-balm duo.
Anthropologie Banana Purse - The perfect purse for summer dinner dates, it screams for a banana cocktail.