Notice The Absence

Why do we forget how we used to feel? Plus, your next soapy hate-watch, wisdom from Ocean Vuong x Garth Greenwell, and what made me feel good this week.

Sometimes we don’t realize a feeling is gone until it returns. This week, the second toe injury in a month ramped up my health anxiety. We’re living in anxious times and so everyone has anxiety these days, but I forget how visceral an anxiety disorder feels when it’s not active. I’m not talking about situational surges in cortisol that have a clear cause and dissipate quickly. I’m talking about the persistent sense of danger in the absence of any real threat. When I’m anxious, my brain goes into survival mode, my rational thinking mind needs to explain the pit of dread in my stomach and tension in my chest, so it latches onto anything. Time both speeds up and slows down. Each minute in this state feels like an hour. I don’t know what I’m afraid of, all I know for certain is that I’m not safe. I’m desperate for the day to end, in hopes tomorrow the anxiety will have left my body but I’m afraid of going to sleep because I feel so certain I will die when I do.

Just as in times of sufferi…