Is Wanting Enough?
Revel in the hope and desire. Plus, two mother-daughter tales, why 'Love Is Blind' is worth watching, and supplements that actually supplement.
The week Mamdani was elected, I got an exciting call from New York. A travel show I love asked if I was free in a couple nights to join my celebrity crush for an intimate dinner in Manhattan. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, but I immediately declined, since I had already committed to several photoshoots in Toronto. As soon as I hung up, I regretted saying no. I frantically looked up flights to see if I could swing a 24-hour trip to New York. In the immediate hours following the call, I felt like I was on some serious uppers. (To be fair, I’d just finished a shoot and the adrenaline coupled with an MSG-fueled Cantonese banquet feast had me more energized than usual). I walked down a street that has, more often than not, bore witness to my sadness and grief, feeling as if I’d just won the lottery. I started skipping (yes, skipping) like a child. I was feeling pure, unbridled joy, over something I had declined to experience. Ultimately I slept on it, and decided to stick with my initial no. But the unrequited nature of my want didn’t diminish the joy I felt the night before. Was wanting enough?
The next day, Mamdani won the election. Even from across the border, I could feel the surge of energy sweeping the city. For many people in New York City, hope has been repeatedly extinguished with disappointment, leading to a generalized despondency. Here was a man with big dreams and big promises, a symbol of hope himself. And against all odds, he did it. Suddenly, all the desires of democratic New Yorkers that had been snuffed out over the past year had an open door, an opportunity to be pursued. Wants like affordable rent, education, and transportation now had potential. These wants haven’t been satisfied yet, but the hope that they will is enough to make New Yorkers happy.
In Toronto, as I drift between consciousness and dreaming in my late mother’s bed, sleep paralysis overcomes me. I feel my mom standing over me, just as she used to when I was sick as a teenager. Whenever I came down with a flu, I would migrate from my bed to hers. My being sick subverted the typical role reversal we experienced with me as her caregiver. Because of her disability, she couldn’t do much for me physically. I remember she used to come next to the bed and say “I wish there was something I could do.” I could feel how badly she wanted to be able to do something. It was as if there was an invisible physical barrier between us, a force field only emotional energy could penetrate. I knew then, at the young age of 13, that I had to take care of myself, that no one was coming to save me. It was the first time I felt the intensity of unrequited want. Did her lack of execution diminish her intention?
For the past six months, I’ve been in a continual state of desire. It’s hard to deny when you want something badly, it paints your entire day with an air of yearning. That want was my visa renewal. Carrying the awareness that everything could be taken away, I would walk through my neighborhood each day filled with gratitude. The lack of certainty was anxiety-inducing but it also was a gift. It infused the mundane with a bit of magic; the fear of my future made me more present. Of course as soon as the visa came through, I returned to regular scheduled programming and forget to notice and appreciate as often. Did satisfying the want extinguish the magic?
No where is the the energizing force of desire more obvious than in dating. “It’s all about the chase,” they say. Once you win over your crush’s interest, the excitement wanes. For some, they want the person less once they have them. The act of wanting can mean more than the object of desire itself.
Wanting coupled with expectation risks disappointment. But wanting without expectation is energy left free to run wild. I wanted to be in that travel show, but if I had said yes and gone, I most likely would’ve been so stressed about the filming and meeting my crush, it wouldn’t have lived up to its pedestal. If Mamdani fails to deliver on his promises, the disappointment will extinguish the positive energy pulsing through New York right now. My mom wanted to take care of me, but maintaining an expectation that she should’ve been able to diminishes the love behind her intention.
After I decided not to go to New York for 24 hours, I recalled the profound joy I felt in the brief period of time when I was considering doing it. That was the point, I thought: the hope, the dream, the fantasy. Instead of dwelling in disappointment, I let myself ride out the energy of anticipation for something that never was.
Best,
Anna
Published 📝
Forbes - 25 Years Later, ‘Gilmore Girls’ Is Cooler Than Ever
My favorite comfort show of all time turned 25 this fall. While the story of mother-daughter duo Lorelai and Rory Gilmore debuted in 2000, the show is more popular than ever, with viewership higher in recent years than it was when it originally aired. I wrote about the show’s enduring impact and rounded up some fun anniversary products (My picks include this cozy fleece-lined blanket, Luke’s coffee mug necklace, and this candle that smells like Luke’s Diner).
“The show feels like comfort—it’s nostalgic yet relatable, blending small-town charm with universal themes of ambition, belonging, and connection,” says Erin Kenning, Director of PR & Marketing at Delamar Hotel Collection, on the Delamar Hartford’s Gilmore Girls package. “People return to it not just for the storylines, but for the feeling it evokes—a sense of warmth, familiarity, and home.”
Reading 📖
One of the strongest examples of unrequited want is that felt towards your own family—histories you were never told, family members you’ll never know, and secrets you’ll never uncover. I was drawn to Ghost Girl, Banana by Wiz Wharton on the bookshelf of a quaint bookshop in Halifax a couple years ago solely because of the title (I’m obsessed with bananas and I’m no stranger to ghosts). I was surprised how much it exceeded my expectations.
The book alternates between two timelines: one of the mother who is exiled from Hong Kong to London in 1966, and one of the biracial (hence the banana) daughter who, thirty years later, grapples with losing her mom as a child. When Lily receives a mysterious offer of inheritance conditional on her making a visit to Hong Kong, her pilgrimage turns into an investigation of her family’s buried secrets.
Articles
💉 Testosterone is giving women their sex drive back, and then some.
👻 Is ghosting inevitable?
“Proust wrote that the ‘silence of the person one loves’ is ‘more cruel than the silence of prisons.’ Social media, which was supposed to bring humanity closer together, has also created a smorgasbord of new ways to be rejected—D.M.s left on read, posts gone unliked, friends unfriended—that can engender the age-old fear of being ignored.” - Kyle Chayka.
😍 The types of crushes, explained.
💸 When wanting becomes dangerous: how ‘Buy Now, Pay Later’ has built a delirious culture of consumption.
🍵 We’ve reached peak matcha (I’m part of the problem).
“Baristas inhale so much airborne green powder that they joke about coming down with matcha lung,” writes Pete Wells.
🛒 Can the golden age of Costco last?
🎶 The genre-defying music of Laufey.
😂 Everything I’m afraid might happen if I ask new acquaintances to get coffee.
Watching 📺
When it comes to love, sometimes we’re better off not pursuing our desire. The latest season of Love Is Blind (Netflix) perfectly exemplifies the energy of want. Before the couples meet in real life, they are unable to see each other; the energy of their desire is literally intercepted by a physical wall. I don’t think I’m alone is feeling that the most enjoyable part of watching each season is the period before they meet in real life. Putting a face to the voice they’ve *fallen in love with,* risks disappointment. And even if it doesn’t, their love for each other is tested once they try to forge lives.
The show has gone downhill in recent years but this season was surprisingly good, for it explores many of our current cultural issues: identity politics, racial bias in dating, and the rise of the trad wife/regression to traditional femininity. I was mainly invested in Patrick and Anna, two Asian cast members whose interest in each other forced them to confront their own internalized racism, and Patrick’s romance with Kacie, a Mormon white woman who later defends her rejection of Patrick had nothing to do with him being Asian (did it, really?). Then there is the debate over “pray the gay away” Nick’s sexuality and whether Edmond is autistic (raising the ethical question of if he should’ve been cast to begin with).
I won’t spoil it completely, but the ending accurately captures the current nihilistic landscape of app dating, and proves that, for everyone’s sanity, wanting should most definitely be enough.
Listening 🎧
I resisted entering the Reddit rabbit hole of Love Is Blind threads and listened to this smart discussion about the latest season. I loved so many of their observations, including how many of the couples seemed costumed in therapy speak without actually having the emotional intelligence to adequately communicate their feelings (sound familiar?).
“[Love Is Blind] is a fun house mirror of modern dating culture,” says Audie Cornish. “What makes the show work is it takes the entire arc of love and puts it on a TV production timeline. ‘The Bachelor’ timeline is: roses, other people, helicopters, WHY. Love Is Blind is: talk a lot, *giddy*, sexy-time, reality flags, living together, meet-the-family/are-we-getting-married.”
Snacking 🍌
I missed a bunch of events in New York since I was on assignment in Toronto, but one highlight from this week was a sneak peak of Aritzia’s new flagship opening on Fifth Ave later this week. At 33,600-square-foot , the two-storey “boutique” is more like a European high fashion house with soaring ceilings and cast-iron columns. After window shopping at the preview, I have my eyes on this sexy off-the-shoulder contour top, cozy wool cashmere coat, lush deep v-cut sweater, and royal blue cashmere scarf. I also spotted the nostalgic early aughts TNA yoga pants (iykyk).
A few weeks ago I recommended Blank Street’s banana bread matcha, this week I returned for their limited run Khloud matcha, made with blue spirulina, greek yogurt, and vanilla bean. The drink—which literally looked like a pretty blue sky dotted with clouds—was made in collaboration with Khloe Kardashian to celebrate her Khloud protein popcorn. I’m obsessed with the sweet and salty flavor.
Protein is top of mind this weekend since I injured my toe (again), and I’m unable to walk. I’m hoping eating more of it will help facilitate my recovery. Yesterday, as my podiatrist was operating on my pinky toe, he told me the tale of one of his patients, a vegetarian physical trainer, whose estimated 1 month recovery time from a sprained ankle took 6 months. He nagged the vegetarian to add more protein to his diet but he stubbornly refused. I have a lot of issues with the current protein craze (more on this later), but there is something to be said for tending to our deficiencies, especially when the body is in repair. My favorite protein right now is Koia’s vanilla powder and their pumpkin spice ready-to-drink shake (you can usually find it at your bodega or grocery store), and these banana bread protein bars.
Speaking of deficiencies, my podiatrist asked me what else I’m taking, here’s the current regime:
🌞 Vitamin D for vampire season, I take this one like it’s an after meal mint.
💪 Iron that my body actually absorbs.
🤧 An immunity Chinese medicine remedy for my low white blood cell count.
🫚 A prebiotic+probiotic to keep my tummy bacteria in check while I’m on antibiotics for my toe.
🍊A giant multi and AG1’s upgraded greens formula (I especially love their travel sticks), for all the other nutrients I might be missing in my diet.